


she's a boat when i'm underwater

by SammieRie



Category: Quantico (TV)
Genre: Caleb is there but he's not super important, Could be read as shippy, Gen, set during 1x16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammieRie/pseuds/SammieRie
Summary: Caught off guard by the plane hijacking drill, Alex goes to comfort Shelby and finds her having a panic attack.





	she's a boat when i'm underwater

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching season 1 and saw the Netflix preview image of the next episode, with Shelby trying to talk down the bomber, and was struck by the thought of Shelby having had panic attacks over everything when it first went down, and all the current stress causing it to happen again. That and the thought of one particular line in this fic wouldn't leave me alone, so here we are.
> 
> Could be read as shippy, though not as much as I originally intended. Caleb insisted he belonged in this scene, and he was right. (Though, hey, kinda made me want some ot3, so it is what it is.)
> 
> TW for panic attacks and for 9/11 related things, ofc. title from the song army by boy

Shelby stormed out of the exercise with tears in her eyes, and Alex stormed over to Liam. Alex had spent all day watching her friend come undone - had seen her face when they opened the doors on the exercise, how she tried to hide that her stomach dropped out from under her. She’d heard Shelby’s breath hitch the first few times they ran the drill, watched her shut down all emotions as the day went on, try to focus on anything but what was happening when it wasn’t their turn.

It had taken its toll, and Alex just wanted to give her friend a win. She should have known it was another one of the Academy’s tricks, should have given up rather than put Shelby through that last drill. Victory had been so close they could taste it, and then a counselor had stepped up with a bomb strapped to her chest and Shelby stopped being one of Quantico’s top trainees. She was that scared teenager whose parents were in this plane going down, and _she_ couldn’t save them. She’d spent 15 years coming up with a million ways to save them, wondering what could have been done differently… Alex understood Liam’s lesson - life is unfair, you can’t win them all, sometimes tragedy just _happens_ \- but her anger at the situation had to go somewhere.

It wasn’t until she turned to her fellow NATs that she realized her anger wasn’t just at the situation, but at herself. She’d let her friend down. Between Ryan and Liam and the new class of NATs (and new roommates), she’d lost track of Shelby. That was on her - not Liam, not Iris, no matter how much it bothered her that the other woman knew something she didn’t. She had to go find Shelby and fix this.

As Iris and Caleb and Will filled her in on everything Shelby had learned - her sister, her parents, and a 12 year con - it was Alex’s turn for her stomach to drop. Her friend, her _best_ friend, had been going through hell, and she’d been too consumed to see it. She felt sick. “Come on, we have to go find her,” she said with a little shake of her head, grabbing Caleb’s hand to drag him with her.

When they made it to Shelby’s room (and it felt wrong that it was Shelby and Iris’ room, rather than Shelby and hers), they found her curled up against her headboard, head against her knees and breath coming in shallow gasps. “Shelby…” Alex started gently, but Shelby jumped like a gun had gone off.

“No, please… you don’t have to do this…” Shelby begged, and Caleb stared in confusion.

“Shelby-” he started, but Alex cut him off with a hand on his arm.

“Please, just...just let them live.” It was like she was caught in a loop, still begging the bomber from the exercise, and Alex thought she had an idea of what was happening. She squeezed Caleb’s arm, trying to quell some of the rising concern on his face, before dropping down onto the bed in front of Shelby.

Putting herself squarely in front of Shelby, in the other woman’s line of vision, Alex grabbed Shelby’s hands firmly in her own, pulling them away from where they’d been wrapped around her knees. Shelby still seemed barely aware of her presence.

“Shelby, look at me. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. You’re safe, I promise. It’s me, Alex. You’re in your room at Quantico. Can you open your eyes for me?”

Shelby blinked her eyes open finally, disoriented and only half-focused, like she was looking _at_ Alex and _through_ her. The terror in her eyes was unlike Alex had ever seen her, and it broke her heart. “Alex?” Shelby asked, voice small and breaking.

“Yeah, Shelb, it’s me.” Alex squeezed Shelby’s hands, and the blonde squeezed back, holding tight and refusing to loosen her grip. Alex returned her strong grip, tethering her to safety.

“Alex… I can’t - I can’t breathe. I c-can’t save them, a-and I can’t - breathe.” Shelby was gasping for air, caught in a spiral of panic only making it worse. Alex gestured with her head to the space beside Shelby at the head of the bed, hoping Caleb would understand. He got the message and gently sat down next to her; however, as soon as he did, Shelby flinched from the contact, her whole body tensing.

“It’s just me,” Caleb said softly, at the same time as Alex: “It’s Caleb, it’s okay.”

“Caleb,” Shelby sighed out, relieved, relaxing back into his touch. He began rubbing her back gently, soothing circles up and down as Alex spoke.

“Alright, Shelby, just breathe with me, okay? We’re just gonna focus on our breathing.” Shelby nodded her head, a small, jerky motion, and Alex did her best to smile at her. “Alright, just breathe in,” Alex made a show of sucking in a deep breath, “and out,” and letting it out with a slow _whoosh_. “In,” Shelby did her best to draw a deep breath, air stuttering into her lungs, “and out,” Shelby exhaled in a rush, and a sob broke free with it.

“How’s this f-for exploiting it?” Shelby bit out, another sob punctuating her sentence, negating the anger of her words.

“Shelby…” Alex’s voice was gentle, patient, but it was also a warning, a note of caution. If Shelby wanted her to go, she would go, and let Caleb take care of her.

“Fuck, Alex, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Shelby’s voice turned desperate and pleading, leaning forward to bury her head against Alex’s chest, hiding in shame and seeking comfort. Alex’s arms came up to wrap around Shelby’s back instinctively, scooting forward so she could hold her flush against her chest.

“I’ve got you,” she said, Shelby’s fists gripping the back of her shirt tightly. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” It’s that phrase that did her in, that ruined whatever grip Shelby had had on holding it together, and left her sobbing against Alex’s chest.

Caleb started to get up, to give them privacy, but Shelby reached out a hand to stop him, lacing their fingers together and pulling him back. He settled back down beside her, switching out hands so he could rest his hand against her lower back, steady and grounding, and leave the other still firmly tangled in hers. Distantly, Alex heard the door to the room close, and figured it must be Iris looking out for them. She felt a rush of gratitude for the other woman, replacing the prior resentment. _They can both look out for Shelby_.

“This is so - stupid,” Shelby complained in an angry whine. “They didn’t even die in that plane, and I’m having a panic attack over some dumb training exercise!” Alex rocked them slightly back and forth subconsciously, rubbing between Shelby’s shoulders as she listened. She understood Shelby’s anger - _hell, she was furious on her best friend’s behalf_ \- but she knew there was something more under it.

“How could they…” Shelby’s breath stuttered harder, fingers twisting in the fabric of Alex’s shirt. When she continued, her voice was no longer raised in anger; it was heartbreakingly small and quiet, a scared young girl losing her whole family. “How could they do that? Just...leave me behind. What did I do?”

“No. Shelby, _no_.” Tears sprang to Alex’s own eyes at the question, a protective anger coursing through her. “Them leaving had nothing to do with you,” Alex tried to reassure.

“You don’t know that!” Shelby’s fists rocked against Alex’s back, a gentle burst of anger jolting through her.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Alex said calmly, and Shelby’s fingers tightened on her back. “But I know _nothing_ you did could justify them leaving. Whatever their reasons, that’s on them, not on you. It is _not your fault_.” Shelby shook her head against Alex’s chest, a protest, but Alex knew some things took years to believe. She’d keep trying to convince Shelby anyway.

“And I know they missed out on an _amazing_ woman. Someone I could never leave behind,” Caleb spoke up, gently stroking Shelby’s hair, and he coaxed a glimpse of a smile out of her. Alex reached out to squeeze his knee in appreciation.

“Me either,” she said, returning her hand to rubbing smooth circles on her back. She pressed a kiss to the top of Shelby’s head, feeling her breathing finally calming down, slowing to only hiccoughing sobs.

There would be more to talk about later - Alex pushing Shelby to get the answers she deserved, because she was never on to leave questions unanswered; Alex spending the rest of her life making sure Shelby knows that she did nothing wrong, that she is enough; maybe even apologies to Liam and to Iris. For now, Shelby’s head was resting heavier against Alex’s chest, her breath evening out as she drifted towards sleep, hands still twisted in Alex’s shirt. Alex shifted them down into a more comfortable position, Caleb getting up to make room, Shelby clinging to Alex’s shirt instinctively, preventing her from leaving with him. Alex soothed Shelby’s back, settling herself between Shelby and the wall. Shelby shifted her head to rest against Alex’s chest again, and Alex brought an arm up to hold her to her tightly. The rest of the world could wait. Right now, Shelby needed sleep, and Alex was content to hold her, to keep watch over her dreams. To keep her safe for as long as she could.

**Author's Note:**

> find me @ hufflepuffjohnjaqobis over on tumblr  
> thinking of writing a shalex fic set in 1x17, with Shelby bringing Alex instead of Caleb to meet her parents. let me know if I should?


End file.
